How Not To… write dialogue

In the fourth of our ‘How Not To’ series, our author Sheelagh Aston brings some thoughts about dialogue - and how not to write it. Sheelagh’s novel will be out with Resolute Books in 2025. Do leave a comment to let us know if you have any dialogue tips!

Ann lifted the phone when it rang at 6am.

‘Good morning, Dennis,’ she said.

‘Good morning, Ann,’ Dennis the night porter replied. 

‘How was the nightshift – all quiet?’ Ann asked.

‘Yes thanks,’ Dennis said. ‘That was until a few moments ago.’

‘Why was that, Dennis? Ann said.

‘Because a car drove through the window and hit the reception desk that I am trapped behind.’

Not very exciting, is it? But wait a minute – a car crash in a reception area. That is exciting (and did happen one morning in the housing project I worked for).

The problem is the dialogue or rather what it is not doing. Writing dialogue requires a good listening ear and a sharp red pen to create tight pithy dialogue that will progress your story and keep the reader glued. How we speak in in real life rarely makes for page-turning reading because we add extra fluff, go off-topic, and use short words.  Your reader will not be happy if they must sift through pointless chat to find the exciting parts of the story. Let’s re-work the conversation.

‘Good morn-’ Ann said, picking up the phone.

‘Ann, Ann,’ Dennis the night porter said. ‘Come quickly, there’s a car parked in reception.’

This version gets right to the exciting part and pushes the story forward, but it does not provide enough context for the reader to visualise the scene or get a sense of the characters' personalities, thoughts, or emotions. Let's give it another shot.

Ann fumbled for the phone on the bedside cabinet. Blurry eyed, she spied the screen’s clock. 6am. What emergency would be this time?

‘Ann, Ann,’ Dennis boomed. ‘Get down here quick.’

Ann stifled a yawn.‘Got another soaking from the fire alarm sprinkler?’

‘No. I am trapped behind the reception desk. A runaway car smashed through the front window and ploughed into it.’

The dialogue here accomplishes the same goal as the previous version, but with a few action tags to break it up and give some depth to the characters. Note that Ann’s actions and thoughts are positioned before the dialogue.  Doing this helps to alert the reader to her mood and potential conflict with Dennis. Kept them to the minimum. Too many and the impact of the dialogue will get lost. Readers just need clues to fire their imagination.

Since it is a conversation between two people, there is no need to include name tags after each person speaks. When writing dialogue with multiple people, imagine seeing the other speakers through the main character’s eyes. Pepper it with the m/c’s own thoughts, reactions and their observations of the other characters expressions, tone of voice or actions. This will help to keep the story moving.

Remember the good ear and sharp pen? Read the conversation aloud. Listen carefully and use the pen to highlight any words or phrases that you stumble over, the hazy voices that lack clarity, the absence of reactions to what is said, and the confusion regarding the speaker’s identity. Keep refining it until it reads like a seamless, natural conversation that we all expect to find in books.